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Grief and Loss
Have you experienced the death of someone you care about?
While
this self-help segment focuses on the pain of loss brought on by the
death of someone you care about, there are other types of losses
as well (e.g., a relationship break-up, geographic or cultural change).
The following information may be helpful in these situations
also.
When someone you care about dies, it is difficult
to accept the fact it has happened, and to accept the accompanying
feelings. For those who have never had someone close to them die, it is
hard to know what to expect of the grieving process. The sadness of
someone's death may bring up memories and feelings about a previous
loss. Special days, such as graduation and anniversaries of the death,
can make you more aware that someone is missing in a very poignant way.
The grieving process
The goal of the
grieving process is learning to live with loss, which is a part of
life. You do not forget the person who has died, nor stop loving him or
her, but you can grow to accept the death and your feelings about it,
and move on with your own life. Each person deals with loss uniquely,
yet many experience similar initial feelings, such as sadness,
loneliness, fatigue and numbness. In the case of death of someone you
love, you may find the most difficult stage of grief will occur six
months to a year afterward.
When the death is of a
violent or sudden nature, anger, shock, and helplessness may
predominate as the initial response. In circumstances where the death
is the result of an accident, survivors and others may feel guilty and
somehow responsible ("if only...")
When in mourning,
behavior changes. Sleep can be interrupted or become prolonged. Normal
eating patterns may change. Some people become forgetful and confused.
Others withdraw from social supports and avoid all reminders of these
who died. Thinking it will numb the pain, some individuals drink
heavily and abuse drugs. Please note: if you have any pre-existing
condition (headaches, diabetes, an addiction) this becomes your
"weakest link" where the stress of the loss may strike and exacerbate
the condition.
What are ways to cope with the grief?
When
someone you love dies, it is helpful to accept that you are in mourning
and to remember that grief is an emotional process that cannot be
completely controlled. You may feel like you are on a roller-coaster of
emotional highs and lows--feeling fine one moment, and then without
warning, intensely missing the person who has died. This is normal.
Because death is very disruptive to the bereaved person or community,
many people find they begin to feel better when they gently reassert
control over some aspect of their lives. Rather than trying to
constrict emotions, however, perhaps control might be sought instead
through planning a worthwhile activity.
It helps to
express your thoughts and emotions through writing and art as well as
talking--especially if you don't know what you are feeling. It helps to
find or create a mourning ritual that has special meaning for
you.
Recognize that you may not do as well in your
courses as you would like. You might want to talk to your professors
about postponing exams and papers. Things that were fun and significant
may no longer seem enjoyable or important for a period of time, while
you heal. If you find that your sadness affects you so much that you
begin to think about hurting yourself or others, it is very important
that you talk to someone about these feelings before any harm occurs.
You should also speak to a mental health professional if your weight
has fluctuated more than 10 lbs. in a month, or if you are experiencing
any other phenomena that are worrisome to you. In general, seeking the
support of others is helpful if they understand grief thoroughly.
To express grief is not weak; to go on with your life does not
mean you care about the person any less. You do not need to feel alone
in your grief.
Other resources on campus
Friends,
family, fraternity and sorority members, roommates, coaches and
teammates can be important supporters. However, sometimes a person's
pain is such that others can't bear to hear about it, or don't know
what to say. If what you are experiencing is more than your friends can
handle, know that there are other resources for you, as well.
If
your religious convictions are important to you, spiritual support may
be vital for you at this time. Religious leaders from vasious faiths
are listed in the University Communications Directory. If you live in a
residence hall, you may wish to speak with your House Staff member or
Community Director.
Other resources off campus
The Wendt
Center for Loss and Healing specializes in helping both adults and
children cope with loss and grief. The Wendt Center offers mental
health services, including adult and youth counseling and support
groups, with the goal of easing the impact of illness, loss, and
bereavement. The Wendt Center takes insurance and offers a sliding
scale. You can visit the Wendt Center's website at http://www.wendtcenter.org/.
How the University Counseling Center can help
The
University Counseling Center's staff are available to help you to sort
through your feelings and thoughts about someone's death. We recognize
that losing a friend, teacher, or relative can be very difficult and
confusing. Each year, the UCC offers a group called "Living with
Loss" where you can gain the support of other students who have
experienced the death of someone significant. These groups have been
offered since the early 1980s and students have found them very
helpful.
Currently, the UCC is also offering drop-in sessions at 3 PM each
day through April 9th. Sessions may continue if requested by a
number of students. Individual questions or concerns can be
addressed through traditionally scheduled individual apointments as
well.
You can reach us by calling 994-5300 or by stopping by the Center, located at 2033 K Street, Suite 330.
Recommended Reading:
Kushner, H.S. When bad things happen to good people. Schocken Books, 1981. In Gelman Library.
Tatelbaum,
J. The courage to grieve: Creative living, recovery and growth through
grief. Harper Books, 1980. In Gelman Library.
Death of a parent
LeShan, Eda. Learning to say good-bye: When a parent dies. Avon Books, 1988. In Gelman Library.
Myers, Edward. When parents die: A guide for adults. Penguin Books, 1986. In Consortium libraries.
Suicide
Hewett, John H. After suicide. The Westminster Press, 1980. In Consortium libraries.
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