HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS For many college freshmen, Thanksgiving or Winter Break are the first times they will have visited home since beginning college. For other freshmen who have gone home previously, they may have adjusted to their new environment, and home has begun to mean a college dorm. For more seasoned college students, sophomore or beyond, going home may seem optional, depending on who else and what else they want to do; the prominence of their parents’ roles in their lives may have shifted. In any case, going back to your parent’s home, even just after a 3 month period of time, is likely to be a different experience than you remember when you were living at home. So what should you expect? How do you present the person you are becoming to them? Well, it depends. The most important aspect of the visit home is likely to be where both you and your parents are with the “letting go” process. The saying, “You can never go home again” is a truth that has many emotional implications. It does not mean that you cannot stay close to your family, you can; often parents and children appreciate each other more as a result of being away from one another. It also doesn’t mean that you no longer need your parents; you will be their child forever. What it does mean? It is an acknowledgement that you are becoming more and more independent in your adult status. To what extent do your parents accept the changes you have made? To what extent have you resisted making changes needed to adapt to college? Going home for Thanksgiving is often the transition point in the letting go of the past life at home with your parents and settling in with your new college life. Acceptance of the change generally looks like your eagerness to share new aspects of yourself and your experiences during the time away and your parent’s eagerness to hear about it. Resistance may look like playing the same role in your family that you used to play, for example, the “peace maker of the family”, rather than people in the family learning to keep the peace themselves in your absence. Often, resistance also takes the form of conflict regarding rules and boundaries. Whose rules apply at home now? The ones you have created at school? The ones you were used to when you lived at home full-time? Are differences open for negotiation? What are the boundaries of self-definition now? Do you want to hear your parent’s opinion on your college major or body appearance? Do you now offer your philosophy on how the family manages their finances, time, or relationships? How much time do you want to spend with your parents versus your friends at home? All of the above are things to consider before you go home. What to do? You may want to consider ahead of time what information you want to share or want to keep to yourself and how to gently assert your right to privacy if they ask a question you don’t want to answer. You may want to communicate with your parents before you go home about your plans while you are home. Talk to them about what days/times they have made plans to be with you and what you have in mind about your time to do special things with them. Let them know plans you have made with your friends or want to make with your friends. How much friend and family time can be combined? Also, make your plans about how much time you need to study while you are home and how to manage this with the competing family and friends’ demands for your attention. Negotiate before hand to minimize disappointment that can come from expectations not being shared or agreed upon. Practice being assertive while you are at home. When you are able to speak your mind and are able to listen to others and respond versus react, you know you are on the right track. The take home message is: if you plan ahead, you are more likely to have the experience you want when you go home. Enjoy your time home; both you and your parents are on an adventure of growth!